Happily Ever After?

Before I made perpetual profession in July 2012, I never thought about what it would be like afterwards. Everything in me was focused on the act of making profession. In theory, I knew it was not about that single act and that what I was doing was committing myself to a way of life. In practice, however, I assumed that I was simply taking the final step into “happy ever after.”

I want to make it clear that, right now, I am certainly not unhappy, but the journey to 2019 has been filled with good things and bad things, light-hearted things and challenging things. In other words, it’s been filled with life! Believe me, entering a monastery does not protect you from life’s ups and downs. You live them out in a particular context, but you continue to be called to live a real life which is by no means trouble-free.

In future weeks, I’ll be exploring some of the challenges and joys specifically associated with monastic life. This week, I’ll talk about some of the things that threw me for a loop because I’d moved a long way from home.

When I came, I imagined somehow that home would stay the same. The same people would live in the same places and it would always be there to go back to. Not so. People moved house and location; they started new careers, got married, had babies, got sick, retired; children grew up. Then people actually died. Two of my aunts and two dear friends have passed since I entered the monastery. It is hard when I miss celebrations at home, but I cannot begin to say how unspeakably difficult it is when someone close needs you and you are not there. It made me feel selfish. It seemed I’d come here and totally not considered the impact that might have on others.

I also found it difficult having no-one around who had known me as I grew up, no-one with whom I had shared memories, no-one who knew the places that were special to me. This gets better as time goes on because, having been here ten years, I’ve amassed memories and shared experiences with sisters and others who are now friends, but there is still that slight sense of loss and longing.

Conversely, when you live somewhere, you are affected by the issues and concerns of that place. I still keep up with a daily one-minute news video from the BBC, but I’m really conscious that I’m more aware of American events, politics and concerns than British ones. It’s not that I don’t care about what happens in my homeland, but I’m at one remove, I’m not experiencing it. That, too, creates a sense of loss.

Leaving Britain hasn’t been all good, but it’s certainly not all bad. I can’t say that I’m living happily ever after, but I’m certainly not living unhappily ever after. I would sum up the pluses by saying that moving to a different country has made me more sensitive as a human being, more aware of other people’s feelings and more aware of, and grateful for, the people in my life both sides of the Atlantic.

Sister Karen Rose, OSB                                                           January 18, 2019