The Other Side the Fence

I cannot state too emphatically how different it felt when I realized the significance of making perpetual profession. I felt very well prepared to make the lifelong monastic promises of stability, fidelity to the monastic way of life and obedience on July 11, 2012, and I was certain that this was where God was calling me in life. It came as shock to me when I realized how different it felt to have crossed the line and to be living on the other side the fence.

The first six weeks were a honeymoon. I felt elated, as if something was completed and I was stepping into the perfect life. I knew that everything wouldn’t always go my way, but I was sure those would only be blips and would simply help me to become a better person, as I sailed calmly into a deeper relationship with God.

The first cloud reached the horizon when someone causally mentioned something about “the professed sisters” and I thought, “That’s me! I’m one of them now. Forever. What have I done?” I suspect this is a feeling common to anyone who makes a big life commitment, such as getting married or having a baby. It’s certainly something that I’ve learned other monastics have experienced. It DOES NOT HELP knowing that other people feel that way. It was so intense, so personal. I’ve only got one life and this one life is the only life over which I have any control. I felt that I’d committed myself, and it wasn’t exactly that I wished I hadn’t, just that it seemed so enormous.

I have a degree in philosophy and theology. I recall doing a lot of study on the nature of promising because it is so foundational to many ethical codes. I had always believed theoretically in the importance of promising, of vowing to do something, but I was completely unprepared for how significant promising would seem when I discovered I had made forever promises, which I was now not entirely sure I wanted to keep forever.

It would be untrue to say that I have spent the years since perpetual profession in a state of perpetual unhappiness and uncertainty, but I have had distinct periods of desperately wanting to go back to my “normal” life. I’m sure I’ll be sharing some of that in future blogs. Right now, I want to stress how significant the notion of having made those promises of stability, fidelity to the monastic way of life and obedience have been in keeping me here, keeping me on the Benedictine, monastic path of seeking God.

I’ll end with a word of advice: Never promise anything if you are not absolutely certain because, even if you are certain, it is going to be a challenge to keep the promise!

Karen Rose, OSB                                                    February 1, 2019