Ebb and Flow

The tide comes in and the tide goes out. That’s the nature of the sea. It’s also a good metaphor for the way I live my faith.

As I look back over the years, I can trace a constancy of commitment to my search for God. On the inside, that has remained consistent; however, it doesn’t always look the same from the outside. The sea of faith is always there and I’m always somewhere on it, trying to set a course for home (God), but there’s also the push or pull of the tide which changes the way I steer and navigate.

When I entered the monastery, it was with the expectation that now I’d found the absolutely right way to take the quickest route to God. It was quite unsettling as it slowly dawned on me that I was still at sea and my faith and its expression would still ebb and flow.

At first, I was very diligent (and somewhat self-righteous) about having a perfect attendance at community prayers and Mass. I was so sure the Benedictine way was right for me; I wanted to be a good nun and make the most of this newly-found straight course.

Imagine the consternation when the boat started to leak and the seas became unpredictable! I found that, helpful as community prayer can be, it started to feel as if it was taking the place of personal prayer and that God, as a living, active presence in my life, was drifting further away.

Having spent ten years as a professed sister, I’ve become comfortable with the realization that I can’t sit back and think I’ve found the perfect way and will never have to make any adjustments again. A lifelong commitment to seeking God means a willingness to keep reflecting, working out what’s best at this point in my journey. Right now, I’m not at community prayers quite as often as I once was, though I recognize that part of choosing the monastic path means participating in community prayer. When I am there, I am fully present. I’m happy about that because it’s a way of prioritizing quality over mere quantity.

Paying attention to my own needs and listening to where I hear the Spirit call me has also made me less critical of others and more willing to trust my sisters. If someone isn’t at prayer, I work from the assumption that she has a good reason, not that she can’t be bothered. This seems to me a good lesson about living in community: I don’t always know best and I don’t always know what’s happening in someone else’s life. What I do know is that I’m part of a community of women in which each and every one has committed herself to the Benedictine, monastic path and that is enough to merit my trust and respect.

 

Karen Rose, OSB