Being away from community, as I have the past two weeks, made
me think about what it means and how it’s altered me in these past 10 years. I
think I can detect stages.
When I first entered the monastery, I loved everything: the
sisters, the prayers, the way of life, watching TV programs I wasn’t interested
in, sharing a bathroom, eating things I didn’t like. You name it, I loved it! I
was completely bought into the idea of sharing everything.
That morphed into a phase where I wasn’t quite so sure if it
was all so lovely. The community made a couple of decisions that I didn’t
really think were good ideas. I started to have the experience of what it means
to give up your own will. Somewhat grudgingly, I realized that, if the
community made a decision with which I disagreed, I was still going to have to
try to make it work. The alternative is to become a carping, bitter woman;
that didn’t attract me. Nevertheless, I didn’t find it easy when my way turned
out not to be the chosen way.
There also came a point, I am sad to report, when I recognized
that as a person, community had made me less nice. I noticed that I was more
conscious of getting my fair share, that I would think things like, “If she’s
not doing that, then why should I?” or “Why is she being allowed to do all
these things when I’m being refused?” I didn’t want to be that kind of a
person, so I consciously decided to simply rejoice at the good fortune of my
sisters rather than complain that it wasn’t me. I was helped in this by observing
that the sisters who are the wisest and the most pleasant to be around are the
ones who are glad for others.
So, 10 years on, how do I feel about myself in community? I
think it was very beneficial to pass through these stages. They helped me to
get to know myself better, they clarified for me the sort of person I want to
work on becoming and they made me more sensitive and accepting toward others.
We all need to live through different phases and face different challenges at
different times of our life. Sometimes that makes us grumpy or sad. I’ve
learned that’s not always a bad thing because it can be a learning time which
is necessary to enable us to become better, kinder people.
Karen
Rose, OSB
June 28, 2019
