Dealing With Death

I had experiences of death from an early age. My father died when I was five and the two grandparents who were living when I was born died when I was aged six and eight respectively. I would never recommend this as an experience for children, but I have always felt that it was a lesson in how good can come out of bad and sad. I was fortunate to have a loving and very competent mother, who dealt with the challenges of being left a widow at an early age in a way that helped me still to feel loved and secure. There were also other adults in my life who cared about me and I didn’t lack positive, loving male influences in the shape of uncles and family friends. It definitely could have been much worse.

There came a point in my life when I recognized that, although I undoubtedly missed my father’s presence, it was possible to have something bad happen to you, to come to terms with it and go on to have a happy and satisfying life. I guess I learned that absolute perfection in all areas of life isn’t required to make life fulfilling. You can have pockets of sadness, but the underlying fabric of your life isn’t destroyed.

I worked in hospice for several years and experienced death from another angle. That, too, was sometimes very sad, but also positive because it made me realize how precious life is and the need to live every day consciously to the full because none of us ever knows when the end is going to be. All this was, I think, a good preparation for entering the monastery. St. Benedict tells us to “keep death daily before us.” This isn’t morbid. It’s simply good advice about making the most of the present moment and accepting that life on this earth does not go on forever.

Don’t get me wrong; I have no desire to die at the moment, but I think my life experiences and periodic meditation on St. Benedict’s words have definitely had an impact on how I look on death. I don’t see it as something bad that we should try to avoid but the culmination of who we are now. I don’t have a clear view of what lies beyond and I don’t really worry about it. My focus is on living as fully as I can in the belief that my dying is a part of my living and I hope I can make it a worthwhile part of my life. I’d be dishonest if I said I don’t have any fear of death because I think we all worry about the process and how we’ll cope with physical or mental infirmities, but that doesn’t stop me from aspiring, when the time comes, to make my death a significant and meaningful part of the days and years that have gone to make up the gift of my life.

 

Karen Rose, OSB                                                                                    May 3, 2019