Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Choosing and Risking

This post is, I suppose, one of my "asides",  because it's going to be about what's going on in my head and heart, rather than on a specific subject. It helps to write these sometimes because I don't want either you or me to begin to feel that everything is clear. It's not. The water remains murky.

The impetus for this blog is that I am coming up to an important milestone next week: the Admissions Chapter. This is when I will go before the whole community (over 200 sisters) to make my request for perpetual profession. I am apprehensive. I don't mind speaking in front of people and I'm sure this is what I want to do, so I'm not consumed by fear, but I am apprehensive. This is for two reasons. Firstly, although sisters have been very supportive to me, I have no control over what happens in the Chapter, and I'm very conscious that my life is in their hands and I have to trust, trust,trust...

Secondly, I have a very strong sense of taking my life in my own hands. I see myself as having walked down a road towards perpetual profession for the past five years and suddenly the road has forked. I'm standing right at the fork and I'm not compelled to go one way or the other. I can take the way to perpetual profession or the way to another life. Whichever road I take, I don't know what lies along it. Either way is a risk. I'm choosing the profession road. And I'm very conscious that I have a choice. I don't have to go this way. Everything in the past five years has signposted me to this road but, as I stand at the fork and look down it, it is completely dark and featureless and all I can do is trust. trust, trust...

I think I have cause to be apprehensive! Yet, I have to say that there is a certain peace in understanding that I'm taking a risk and choosing to take it with my eyes wide open.  I also understand that, ultimately, when I say I have to trust, it is not myself, or even my sisters, that I'm trusting, but the Holy Spirit working in us.


  1. Dear Sister Karen.

    My hopes and good wishes to you that the Holy Spirit works out for the best.

  2. S. Karen,

    It takes braveness and courage to take this next step into final profession! My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.